Interpol Announces Plans to Take off Sunglasses
Perennially vogue indie group Interpol announced plans to finally remove their sunglasses after 28 years.| The Hard Times
Perennially vogue indie group Interpol announced plans to finally remove their sunglasses after 28 years.| The Hard Times
Local Hüsker Dü fan Paul Mallard quietly celebrated the 10-year anniversary of never saying their band name aloud to avoid potential ridicule.| The Hard Times
Exasperated coworkers of punk Jimmy Alpin threatened to quit after watching his work ethic repeatedly be eclipsed by his drinking ethic.| The Hard Times
A groundbreaking new study from Columbia University seemingly proves that the sound of music abruptly ending with a record scratch upon entering an establishment is still the best indicator that a person has walked into the wrong bar.| The Hard Times
U2 frontman Bono announced that the wildfires in California have devastated enough property and ruined a sufficient amount of lives for him to officialy write a tribute song.| The Hard Times
WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — Former President Trump made a last-minute appeal to all potential voters with a simple message: “If you don’t vote for…| The Hard Times
Local boxed food mix Rice-A-Roni unveiled a new advertising campaign that featured them embracing their roots in the Bay Area thrash metal scene.| The Hard Times
The nation’s screen and novel horror writers resolved to continue killing every single dog that is unfortunate enough to make its way into their stories.| The Hard Times
A masked member of a local militia who was harassing people waiting in line to vote embarrassingly forgot where he left his state trooper squad car.| The Hard Times
Trey Bollinger, proud owner of a $91,273 Chevy Silverado 3500 HD, accused Tesla Cybertruck owners of being “totally fucking ridiculous."| The Hard Times
Legendary musician, producer, and seemingly the luckiest son of a bitch around, Quincy Jones died at his home in Bel Air Sunday night just a few hours before America turns into a complete and utter shitstorm on election day.| The Hard Times
Local apolitical friend Bryce Flowers admitted that he was only watching the 2024 election coverage for the commercials.| The Hard Times
Ana Sutton, a 38-year-old musician who is currently on tour, recently changed all the demands in her rider to “enough chairs for me and the audience” in a move industry insiders are calling monumental for “aging road warriors.”| The Hard Times
It’s been a long night of drinking, meaning we have inevitably reached the point where my bladder has caught up to my mouth/stomach, and I…| The Hard Times
The National Association of Bird Lovers (NABL) finally ended years of speculation and admitted that their seemingly wholesome activity was based on nothing more than an uncontrollable sexual attraction to the winged creatures, validated sources reported.| The Hard Times
It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday, which is the time of the week I get particularly randy. My name is Bob Powell, and I have the esteemed pleasure of being immortalized in Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” as the guy making love to his tonic & gin. The readers of The Hard Times have submitted many questions, so let’s get right to them.| The Hard Times
Beloved local bar and music venue Whiskey Dick McGraw’s is facing backlash from confused and disappointed punks due to the apparently above-standard safety precautions, orderly ticket sales and hygiene standards at a show for folk-punk band “Sproingus” Wednesday night.| The Hard Times
Reminisce over your favorite 20 Oasis songs and possibly open a can of shit worms by sending an innocuous Oasis-related text to your brother!| The Hard Times
Alleged pedophile and formerly popular rapper Drake hopes a friend can get him hired at Trader Joe’s until the fallout of his highly publicized beef with Kendrick Lamar blows over, report the last remaining sources from within the Drake camp.| The Hard Times
A month ago today, I was hit by a minivan in a Golden Corral parking lot. A tunnel of white light enveloped me with a warm puppy-like comfort. I didn’t plan to die that day, but I respect God's plan for me. The light grew brighter and warmer before it shattered like one of those dang hippie lava lamps and I felt my body become solid again.| The Hard Times
Longtime fans of The Smashing Pumpkins are reportedly shocked and infuriated that the band's latest release, “Aghori Mhori Mei,” is actually pretty darn good, enraged sources confirm.| The Hard Times
President Biden gave an emotional keynote address on the first night of the Democratic National Convention where he fought back tears talking about his proudest political achievements, which included funding a genocide.| The Hard Times
Boy, we sure are having a great time at this deathcore concert, aren’t we? These drop A tunings and inhaled death growls are really pumping me up, and I’m seriously considering heeding this ear-gauged singer’s urgings to take part in the mosh pit. I just ask that, while we all work to “open up this fucking pit,” so too will we promise to open our minds to new learning experiences. I’d say it’s about time we explore our options!| The Hard Times
Presumptive Democratic nominee Kamala Harris attempted to boost her perception as a “cool aunt” by announcing that if elected she will let junior staff members drink beers in the basement of the White House.| The Hard Times
Researchers at Harvard University determined that 100% of Millennials suffer from PTSD linked to exposure to the website rotten.com.| The Hard Times
Mets fans were encouraged to “strap in” this past weekend when the stadium organist treated them to an impromptu and seemingly endless rendition of the Velvet Underground’s “Sister Ray.”| The Hard Times
A recent ancestry report revealed that a small portion of hardcore legend Henry Rollins’ DNA could be traced back to a species of permanently angry, spike-encrusted stone creatures known as Thwomps.| The Hard Times
Local amateur historian and occasional beloved family member Paul Poppavich vehemently dismisses news of fascism’s rising international tide, despite an encyclopedic knowledge of World War II history.| The Hard Times
After years of circling the dating drain pool, I was almost ready to give up and accept my fate as an angry solitary woman who said things like, “Knock it off,” and “Your dog can't be off leash here,” but as fate would have it, I received a notification from a long-forgotten dating app. An eligible bachelor with the username broken_farts_club thought I was hot and wanted to take me to a craft brewery. “Why not?” I thought. “What’s the worst that could happen?”| The Hard Times
