Scary Outfit
Cartoons| The Onion
WASHINGTON—Claiming that the sacred ash tree had outlived its usefulness and needed to be updated, President Donald Trump made remarks Monday defending his demolition of Yggdrasil, the ancient tree of life. “Yggdrasil was becoming a total eyesore and its roots could barely be used to travel from the well Urðarbrunnr to the spring Hvergelmir,” said […] The post Trump Defends Demolition Of Yggdrasil, Ancient Tree Of Life appeared first on The Onion.| The Onion
Another season of Nobody Wants This dropped on Netflix, marking a new chapter in the love story between a sex-positive podcaster and a rabbi in Los Angeles. Here is everything we know about season two of the breakout rom-com series. Kristen Bell prepared for the role by spending six months learning how to eat a […] The post Everything We Know About ‘Nobody Wants This’ Season 2 appeared first on The Onion.| The Onion
An investor group that includes Travis Kelce has acquired about 9% of Six Flags Entertainment Corporation, planning to advocate for strategic changes to improve visitor experience. What do you think? The post Travis Kelce Part Of Investor Group Aiming To Revive Six Flags appeared first on The Onion.| The Onion
SEATTLE—After guiding her client through a grueling 12-hour natural home birth, local doula Raquel Parker reportedly asked mother Melanie Kendrick on Monday if she could keep the baby. “Oooh, you guys mind if I take this?” said Parker, adding that she would throw in a 10% discount on her birthing coach services if Kendrick and […] The post Doula Asks To Keep Baby appeared first on The Onion.| The Onion
THE HEAVENS—Expressing confusion over the primate’s classification as an endangered species on the planet, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He could have sworn He put more gorillas down there. “How are there fewer than 6,000 of the eastern lowland ones left when I swear I made Earth, like, half gorillas?” the […] The post God Could Have Sworn He Put More Gorillas Down There appeared first on The Onion.| The Onion
BOSTON—Remarking that the malevolent clown seemed not to have aged a day in the years since his last screen appearance, It: Welcome To Derry viewer Alana Meyer told reporters Sunday that she could tell Pennywise had gotten work done. “Don’t get me wrong, he looks good, but you don’t come back looking this hot without dropping some serious […] The post ‘Welcome To Derry’ Viewer Can Tell Pennywise Got Work Done appeared first on The Onion.| The Onion
WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that he was impressed by the foreign leader’s ability to compromise on all kinds of fixtures, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he had participated in a productive call with Russian President Vladimir Putin about ballroom sconces. “We spoke for several hours and made great progress in negotiating whether I should go with a […] The post Trump Touts Productive Call With Putin About Ballroom Sconces appeared first on The Onion.| The Onion
NEW YORK—Attempting to broach the sensitive subject as delicately as possible, Taylor Swift’s wedding planner reportedly asked the artist Friday if she had ever considered dance lessons. “They’re completely optional, of course, but a lot of brides find them quite helpful,” said event organizer Riley Hirsh, who spoke in a soft voice as she assured […] The post Wedding Planner Gingerly Asks Taylor Swift If She’s Considered Dance Lessons appeared first on The Onion.| The Onion
WASHINGTON—Occasionally pausing to rub his bleeding temple as he delivered the statement, visibly bruised Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth declared Friday that wobbly barstools were a threat to national security. “Our enemies are attempting to destabilize the United States by planting those rickety deathtraps in our nation’s restaurants, breweries, and watering holes, and now they […] The post Visibly Bruised Pete Hegseth Declares Wobbly Barstools Threat To National Security appeared...| The Onion
SAN DIEGO—Pausing mid-conversation to shore up any doubts regarding his ability to shoulder adult responsibilities, full-grown 37-year-old man Justin Landry reportedly defended his credibility Friday by clarifying that he paid his parents $50 a month for his portion of their Verizon phone plan. “No, no, no—it would be crazy if I let them pay it […] The post 37-Year-Old Still On Parents’ Verizon Plan Saves Credibility By Clarifying He Pays Them $50 A Month appeared first on The Onion.| The Onion
As the use of AI increases, data centers are popping up across the country. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the controversial facilities. Q: What do data centers need to run? A: Water, electricity, air conditioning, and other resources typically wasted on schools and hospitals. Q: Do data centers use a lot […] The post What To Know About Data Centers appeared first on The Onion.| The Onion
WASHINGTON—Describing the secretary of homeland security’s cameo on the reality show as “highly unnerving,” viewers reported Friday that Kristi Noem can be seen looming in the background of an entire episode of TLC’s 90 Day Fiancé. Fans of the show confirmed the 53-year-old former governor of South Dakota is visible throughout season 11, episode 16, which is […]| The Onion
NEW YORK—Hissing with distaste as the dreaded Christian symbol suddenly appeared on his phone screen, Scott Tatum—a real-life Dracula—reportedly recoiled Friday after seeing a Tinder profile picture of a woman wearing a crucifix. “My eyes, my eyes,” said the screaming, writhing 32-year-old, who, as if he were Nosferatu himself, attempted to swipe away from the photo […]| The Onion
PITTSBURGH—In a devastating setback that could sideline the quarterback for weeks, sources confirmed Sunday that Aaron Rodgers suffered a torn cerebellum after attempting a telepathic audible during the Steelers’ opening drive against the Browns. “He seemed like he was in a good rhythm, and then suddenly he’s on the turf clutching his head, screaming for […]| The Onion
Despite his family’s pleading, Richard Blakely died at age 82 on the nice rug.| The Onion
Supermodel Tyra Banks introduced a warm, drinkable dessert called Hot Mama, describing it as “the world’s first hot ice cream experience.” What do you think?| The Onion
Entertainment| The Onion
LEAWOOD, KS—Seeing his fiancée in a whole new light, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce was reportedly getting cold feet Monday after listening to Taylor Swift’s The Life Of A Showgirl. “It’s kind of weird I’ve only known her for two years, don’t you think?” said the Kansas City Chiefs tight end, who told his […]| The Onion
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Briefly overcoming a near-continuous streak of disorganization, area man Terry Oberlin, 37, got his life together for exactly 36 minutes, sources confirmed Monday.| The Onion
NEW YORK–Stopping for lunch at a Manhattan Burger King, New York Times ’On Language’ columnist William Safire ordered two "Whoppers Junior" Monday. "A majority of Burger King patrons operate under the fallacious assumption that the plural is ’Whopper Juniors,’" Safire told a woman standing in line behind him. "This, of course, is a grievous grammatical blunder, akin to saying ’passerbys’ or, worse yet, the dreaded ’attorney generals.’" Last week, Safire patronized a midtown ...| The Onion
A new study shows that climate change is causing more instability in jet streams and making wind speeds faster, with turbulence predicted to triple in frequency between 2050 and 2080. What do you think?| The Onion
VATICAN CITY—In a stunning discovery that revealed the full extent of the pontiff’s addiction, Vatican coroner Fernando Ruini released a report Thursday confirming Pope Francis died of a eucharistic overdose. “Our autopsy found the Holy Father had a substantial amount of Eucharist in his system— roughly four times the legal limit—at the time of death,” […]| The Onion
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