CHICAGO—In effort to honor the extraordinarily talented and creative individual, a MacArthur ‘genius grant’ was awarded Wednesday to Arkansas man Dale Huggins for his invention of the eatin’ shirt, a big ol’ shirt he puts on before supper so his good shirt doesn’t get all dirty. “All these stains you see here on my eatin’ […] The post MacArthur ‘Genius Grant’ Awarded To Inventor Of Eatin’ Shirt appeared first on The Onion.| The Onion
Listen, no one’s trying to broadcast private details about your life to the whole world, but you should know that living here would absolutely violate the terms of your plea agreement. Reference #18793 The post Not 200 Yards Away From The Dog Park appeared first on The Onion.| The Onion
Randy Faber, 49, died Saturday after a horn impaling his chest confirmed his severe rhino allergy. The post Randy Faber appeared first on The Onion.| The Onion
LOS ANGELES—Describing the mood in the clubhouse as eerie and ominous, several members of the Los Angeles Dodgers told reporters Tuesday they have become increasingly unnerved since Shohei Ohtani’s interpreter, Will Ireton, began referring to the two-way superstar as “The Host.” According to team sources, Ireton’s relationship with Ohtani has taken on a different, more […] The post Teammates Unnerved As Interpreter Begins Referring To Ohtani As ‘The Host’ appeared first on T...| The Onion
Former NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez faces a felony battery charge after allegedly confronting a 69-year-old truck driver at a hotel loading dock, with the driver pepper-spraying and stabbing Sanchez as he continued advancing toward him. What do you think? The post Ex-Quarterback Mark Sanchez Charged With Felony Battery appeared first on The Onion.| The Onion
ARLINGTON, VA—Saying the Pentagon had acted swiftly on an insider tip about the vessel having a “big adventure” planned, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth confirmed Tuesday that the U.S. military had carried out a strike on Scuffy the Tugboat. “Little Scuffy wasn’t content with merely floating around in the bathtub, so he made for the nearest […] The post U.S. Military Carries Out Strike On Scuffy The Tugboat appeared first on The Onion.| The Onion
RISHIKESH, INDIA—In an effort to break down creative barriers and open their minds to new types of spirituality, members of the heavy metal band Slipknot reportedly traveled to India this week to begin the psychedelic, free-love phase of their career. “The rishi has been teaching us a lot of different things about pain and anger, and […] The post Slipknot Travels To India To Begin Psychedelic, Free-Love Phase Of Career appeared first on The Onion.| The Onion
The Saturday evening union of D.C. insiders Baines Wright III and Carter Nowak featured several productive breakout sessions with good thought-starters on potential honeymoon locations for the new couple. The post Baines Wright III and Carter Nowak appeared first on The Onion.| The Onion
While it’s natural for personal relationships to change or fade over time, many adults reportedly find it difficult to forge new friendships later in life. The Onion shares tips for making friends as an adult. Start calling your parents by their first names. Find a volunteer cause you can immediately dispense with the second your […] The post Tips For Making Friends As An Adult appeared first on The Onion.| The Onion
Treasure hunters recovered more than 1,000 silver and gold coins worth about $1 million from a 1715 Spanish shipwreck off Florida’s coast. What do you think? The post $1 Million In Coins Recovered From Spanish Shipwreck appeared first on The Onion.| The Onion
STOCKHOLM—In an effort to honor the groundbreaking work of bringing fast relief to millions suffering post-meal heartburn and indigestion, the prestigious Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded Monday to the over-the-counter chewable antacid Tums. “What Tums has achieved was long thought impossible: a fruit-flavored tablet capable of quickly neutralizing acid reflux even after a person […] The post Nobel Prize In Medicine Awarded To Tums appeared first on The Onion.| The Onion
LEAWOOD, KS—Seeing his fiancée in a whole new light, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce was reportedly getting cold feet Monday after listening to Taylor Swift’s The Life Of A Showgirl. “It’s kind of weird I’ve only known her for two years, don’t you think?” said the Kansas City Chiefs tight end, who told his […]| The Onion
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Briefly overcoming a near-continuous streak of disorganization, area man Terry Oberlin, 37, got his life together for exactly 36 minutes, sources confirmed Monday.| The Onion
NEW YORK–Stopping for lunch at a Manhattan Burger King, New York Times ’On Language’ columnist William Safire ordered two "Whoppers Junior" Monday. "A majority of Burger King patrons operate under the fallacious assumption that the plural is ’Whopper Juniors,’" Safire told a woman standing in line behind him. "This, of course, is a grievous grammatical blunder, akin to saying ’passerbys’ or, worse yet, the dreaded ’attorney generals.’" Last week, Safire patronized a midtown ...| The Onion
A new study shows that climate change is causing more instability in jet streams and making wind speeds faster, with turbulence predicted to triple in frequency between 2050 and 2080. What do you think?| The Onion
VATICAN CITY—In a stunning discovery that revealed the full extent of the pontiff’s addiction, Vatican coroner Fernando Ruini released a report Thursday confirming Pope Francis died of a eucharistic overdose. “Our autopsy found the Holy Father had a substantial amount of Eucharist in his system— roughly four times the legal limit—at the time of death,” […]| The Onion
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