Well, today was going to be a return to some practical topics. I'd been working on a column about approaching people and being able to talk to strangers. I had all my notes wrapped up, I had the rough outline ready to go… and then, well, you know how to make the gods laugh, right? I was somewhat amused when, as I was searching for one reference or another, I saw that Lifehacker ran a piece on talking to strangers. The timing was felicitous, the resources surprising and the comments… well ...| Paging Dr. NerdLove
Dear Dr. NerdLove: I saw this video on TikTok and am now trying to figure something out. @monstersincooperatedReply to @crypticcorvus #fy #foryou #dating #lgbtq #confused #reply #SoFiMoneyMoves ♬ original sound - Cooper vm.tiktok.com/ZMRoBMVxL My understanding was that generally, women would rather not be approached by men in just any public setting because they view us always as a potential threat, which I think is totally 100% fair. And I always took that as meaning we should avoid talkin...| Paging Dr. NerdLove
I want to talk to you for a moment about a client I had. He, like a lot of my coaching clients, wanted to know what it takes to be someone women want to date. This caught me off guard; this was a guy who had a lot going for him. He was tall, good looking and fun to talk to. And yet, he didn't struggle with meeting women so much as failed to so much as look at them. Never mind striking out, the guy got the screaming abdabs just thinking about going up to the plate. Once we identified just| Paging Dr. NerdLove
I have a serious question for you: are you someone who plays to win, or who plays to avoid losing? Most folks would say that, yes, they absolutely play to win. Even if they're not the sort of min/maxing, loophole-finding, cutthroat gamesman who makes board game night a flaming hellscape, people will generally say that when they play, their goal is to make a sincere effort at winning. However, if you look at people's dating life, you'd be forgiven for thinking that not only are they not playi...| Paging Dr. NerdLove
You may have noticed over the years that I cover a lot of topics that don't seem to fit squarely in this blog's mission statement of helping nerds date better. One of the reasons why I write about feminist issues or bad behavior within the geek community is because, frankly, getting better at dating is a holistic system. As I'm fond of saying, dating success is 80% attitude and 20% skill, and a lot of that attitude involves both issues of masculinity and also understanding and empathiz...| Paging Dr. NerdLove
On Monday, I talked a little about the toxic culture surrounding masculinity and how it hurts men. Today, I want to start the conversation to help dismantle it. And one of the best places to start is to talk about sex. Specifically: male virginity and the shame in not having sex. One of the things that I've seen come up over and over again in the aftermath of the Elliot Rodger shooting is the number of men - men of literally all ages - talking about the shame and pain of being a male virg...| Paging Dr. NerdLove
So, I'm gonna do something a little different today. There're some letters I get over and over again. Not from the same person, but variations on an incredibly common theme. There are some letters and topics that come up so often with the same insecurities, often using identical language, that it seems pretty obvious they're coming from the same place, literally and metaphorically. And just between you, me and everyone reading this… it gets a bit frustrating. I mean, it's not like I haven't...| Paging Dr. NerdLove
It's been an interesting week for talking about masculinity. To start with, ABC's 20/20 aired a story about the Manosphere and the Men's Rights Movement (which, ironically enough seems to have touched off a weird Jay-Z/Nas-esque feud between two leading voices of the MRM). The Daily Beast provided a thoughtful, if somewhat flawed, report on the MRM, including some of the grievances and injustices it claims to be trying to remedy in today's society while Jaclyn Friedman wrote about her sit-do...| Paging Dr. NerdLove
Videos about 'looksmaxxing' have convinced him he's ugly. Does he REALLY need to spend thousands of dollars to be handsome enough to date?| Paging Dr. NerdLove
Hi, I’m gonna keep my name private but I truly hope that you are having a great day and I hope your writing has brought fulfilment to your life as well as in the lives of your readers. With that said I wanted to ask you a question, I essentially want to know if you’re serious or if your take on women is just for clicks because it runs so contrary to everything I’ve seen. To me it seems pretty obvious that the “toxic masculinity” you think is evil is 100% (and yes I do mean 100%) per...| Paging Dr. NerdLove
He wants to leave the incel community, but it's hard to let go. Don't they have a point? How can he learn to let those toxic beliefs go for good?| Paging Dr. NerdLove
Hey Doc, I need your help. I am an incel, but not the kind of incel that comes to mind when you hear or read the word. I am not a hateful incel. I'm simply an incel by the words definition, nothing more, nothing less. As for my major problem, it too is implied by the question, and that question is, 'how do I stop being an incel?' I've exhausted every conceivable strategy to lose the negative mindset, but I'm all out of options and I need someone who knows what to do in a situation such as min...| Paging Dr. NerdLove
Recently, we’ve been talking about toxic masculinity and all of the ways that it damages men on the individual level and society on the whole. One of the enduring questions is: so what do we do about it. Part of the way we start end the damage that toxic masculinity does and help heal some of the pain is to talk openly and honestly about some of the issues that come bundled in the toxic masculinity package. And one of the biggest issues is the topic of sex - especially how it affects men wh...| Paging Dr. NerdLove
He feels like being an older virgin is the worst thing he can be. Is he right? Or is there a bigger problem that he needs to address?| Paging Dr. NerdLove
Hey doc, I'm 23 years old, a guy, and I still haven't lost my virginity yet, and while I've seen some of your stuff on that matter, I still feel like time is 'running out' for me, and I'm worried about how others see me, and moreover how I see myself for it. In summary, I haven't lost my virginity partially because I'm not a big partier and haven't sought out hooking up in the past, and also because I turned down two other opportunities. First, an acquaintance offered to be FWB when I was 20....| Paging Dr. NerdLove
Hi Doc, hope you're doing great. As the title says, I went to an escort a few weeks ago. Some backstory: I'm 28, never kissed a girl, never had a girlfriend and I've always been rejected. I always feel very lonely and sad about this, thinking that I'll probably never have a girlfriend and I'll die as a lonely and bitter old man. I thought many times about doing this, to finally see and experience something foreign and unreachable for me, and one night I took courage and did it. I contacted so...| Paging Dr. NerdLove
Last week, I wrote about how being nice wasn't enough, in and of itself. This kicked off a number of discussions, one of which focused around the idea of self-acceptance. After all, I've made it a point that self-acceptance is important and how believing in magic cures can actually hinder you in your progress when it comes to any sort of self-improvement. At the same time however, it brings up the question: doesn't needing to be more than just nice conflict with the idea of self-acceptance...| Paging Dr. NerdLove
He knows he shouldn't, but he keeps reading about how older virgins like him shouldn't date. How can he keep social media from destroying his confidence?| Paging Dr. NerdLove
